Writing is how I process things. I will never be an acclaimed author or a highly sought after speaker, so I just use my journals and this blog as a way to get things out. Over 7 months ago, as people were pondering their resolutions for 2017, I was prayerfully considering my word of the year. After much deliberation I settled on surrender. That word has plagued me all year! I researched definitions, I wondered how it would apply to my life situations and as often the case when I really lay things before God, it has challenged me.
Yesterday was one of those days, when I was down and out, disappointed and discouraged. Work wasn't going as planned, free time was non existent and all of my frustrations, hurts, and disappointments in myself came out and rolled down my cheeks. As I laid awake, sleepless, I realized I wasn't surrendering, I was giving up. There is a huge difference! This must be a common thought process because when I did a search this morning there were many people who had written blogs about that very thing - surrender vs giving up.
During those sleepless hours last night as I was in my 'oh woe is me' mode, a small voice started becoming louder: You are making this all about you! Maybe it wasn't such a small voice but a loud boom! So I started thinking about that and with the morning light it became more clear. Did I do everything that I could in the situation? Yes. Did I communicate my expectations to others? Yes. Did I place responsibility (or blame) on others, when it really was my own shortfall? Yes ~ ouch.
Reminder to me - Surrender: to yield to the power of another. So who do I surrender to? God. Instead of making all those situations yesterday about me, I am choosing today, this moment, to make it about surrender. To look at myself going forward and doing what is in my power to succeed, to be the best 'me' I can be. Then surrender to God all the rest. You would think at 60 years old that I would have this figured out! Yet I'm often finding myself slip back to that "you failed, you didn't perform well, you didn't_____". Truth is that sometimes even with the best effort, the perfect performance or the best intentions we can never control what others do. We are all part of a larger picture - family members sometimes don't do what we expect, co-workers and team members sometimes don't have the same drive that we do, and often God has lessons for us in what we view as failure.
I often read of success stories, especially those that come later in life. It reminds me that I'm here in this place, at this stage, because that is where I'm supposed to be. I learned (or relearned) a lesson yesterday - the part that is about me is to do what I can, to the best of my ability. By attaching my expectations to the acts of others just sets me up for disappointment. Going forward I simply need to be the best me and encourage others to be the best they can be. Putting my expectations onto others is not fair to either of us. It's a new day and in this moment I choose to do only what I can do and not place blame because others don't do the same, because they too may be doing their best. My best does not define others' best! And when I do the best of my ability I need to be confident in that and not put myself down. Now that feels good!
And the affirmation comes: August 11 Jesus Always, by Sarah Young
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