Do you hear it?

When I look back over the last few weeks of my journal entries and also back at my last blog post it is not only my vision that has been blurred.  There have been hours spent thinking back on paths and past decisions and how my decisions were made. Have you ever prayed so fervently for something but as things unfolded you questioned whether your prayers were heard? When I sat and dug deep into my memories and journal entries there were so many times that I was certain that either my prayers had gone unanswered or I simply hadn't prayed hard enough. In the looking back I realize that God indeed answers, and though it may not look like I wanted there is good in each thing.   

For many months I have questioned the path that I am on.  I have written in this space before that I truly love the work that I do.  I love the freedom of it and the way that I can design my days, and when I do the work I can provide for us.  Inside there has been this conflict.  Nearly 2 years ago I started a quest for simplification - a decluttering.  While great progress was made, it just came to a standstill.  Tied up in all of that was my work, a business that is fun, pretty and a frivolous line of products.  I still love that line of products, immensely. What was eating away at me was "how can I ask people to buy things, spend money on items that are not  necessities?  I'm working so hard to make our life and home about necessities, yet I'm selling a luxury item".  Then I would justify it, telling myself that people are going to spend the money anyway, I might as well provide for us by selling what they want.

During the Christmas season we had a wonderful time with family, focusing on the meaning and reason we were celebrating.  We were also navigating through the weeks of recovery as my husband healed from some major surgeries.  It was even more evident to me during that time that we need to protect our health, our home, our basic needs.  Jumbled up in all of that I also started a new ministry job.  So much piling on!  The ministry job is a calling , a place to use the gifts that I have to help others. It came at a time that we needed the income and I knew that it was an answer to prayer.  As usual for me, in my life journey and ministry calling, when I follow that call it is with great blessing.  Then money runs out.  So do I continue to do the thing that God has called me to do, or am I only doing it for the money? So many hard things  to think about all at once.

Then another deep and pleading prayer: God, show me the direction You would have me go! Guide me to first be serving You, and second to provide and be a good steward. Help me make good decisions, right decisions and faith-filled decisions.

I prayed that prayer every day for what seemed like weeks. I poured out my words in my journal. I would continue to do my business with integrity and all of my energy.  I worked at the ministry position while not seeing any fruit come from the labor (yet).   January 9, a Monday, a change happened.  I had an event planned that I had sent personal invitations to, I had advertised, I had worked hard to set up.  Not one response.  I was trying to mentor my team and felt like I was talking to empty space.  I was questioning, I was doubting.  I crossed paths with a couple and the offer they quietly presented was shouting to something deep inside of me - could this be God's way of answering the prayers that I had prayed for so long?  I was not looking, I was not wanting to change, yet I knew that in some way I needed to.  A still small voice was whispering "you prayed, I answered".  

Change is hard!  I still don't have a clear picture of how everything will unfold.  My life (and calendar) are now fuller than ever.  When I look at my color-coded planner I see a pattern emerging. What at first glance looks like a random mish-mash of chaos, I slowly see as a beautiful future unfolding.  I see hope and promise that the voice I heard is the right one. I see myself moving in a direction to help people, both in the ministry calling and in the new business direction. Everything is starting to align in my quest to be a good steward and to help people in their journey as well.   I'm starting to feel good about decisions that I am making.

It's been a long road of searching, working, helping and striving to simplify my life.  I'm not there yet!  I'm making small changes, but each day it seems I'm to make big ones. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I'm on the right path and following the right voice. There is still so much unknown and new paths to discover, but one day at a time I'm listening for The Voice.

Isaiah 30:19-26 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, "This is the way you should go", whether to the right or to the left. Then you will destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, "Good riddance!"  Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock. The oxen and donkeys that till the ground will eat good grain, its chaff blown away by the wind. In that day, your enemies are slaughtered and the towers fall, there will be streams of water flowing down every mountain and hill.  The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter - like the light of seven days in one!  So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them.  NLT

Tying one on- (or in our case OUT!)

My husband left the corporate world 8 years and 5 months ago.  Though he occasionally wears a suit, for the rare wedding or funeral that we attend, for the most part his days of dress shirt and tie are gone.  When we purchased this 1970's ranch style home in 2006, we completely remodeled the main body of the house, giving it an open floor plan and very casual feel, like us.  The bedrooms are tiny and the closets even smaller!  We downsized over 1,000 square feet from our old 1924 home  (which I completely remodeled and LOVED) and detached garage apartment in Del Rio.  Though we got rid of a lot of stuff in that move, not nearly enough to fit into this home.  The tiny closets, the garage attic and every imaginable space is jam packed with things I couldn't part with.  I have yet to tackle the photo box and my school papers. As evidenced in the post earlier, obviously my mother was the same since I have HER school papers!!

 

*Side note: my husband is not a packrat in the sentimental area, this man threw out his high school year books!  But heaven forbid he should get rid of a rusty old screwdriver when he has ten more just like it! 

When I tackled this simplifying and decluttering journey the first area was our master closet.  It felt so good to purge that area, and that tiny space is still quite full, but everything is neat and tidy and only contains clothing and shoes that we wear regularly.  There was, however, one group of things hanging around that I didn't remove - ties!

As I was putting laundry away last week I looked at those ties hanging on two different display racks (that they often fell off of and would end up on the floor) I asked myself why didn't I include those in the purge?  So I placed them all on the bed and when Waylon got home from work he said "here we go again!"  There were 50 ties in all, including 10 Christmas designs! Surprisingly he was a bit sentimental about the ties.  He could remember which ones Chelsea  (our daughter) had given him as gifts, he remembered which were the favorites that he wore to work at the bank, and would get the most attention.  Of those 50 ties he had very few shirts that they could still be worn with.  So we went through them together.  It was an interesting process because in the choosing he was being swayed by sentiment and I was pointing out to him that the ones he was choosing wouldn't even go with the few shirts and 1 suit he still has!  So together we came up with a small selection of ties to keep, that have an element of fun but also a couple that are basic and will work well should he need to wear a tie to an event.  He chose 1 Christmas tie to keep as well.  Now we have a very small hanger of ties and the majority of them have already been taken to the thrift store.

Since I have already done a round one purge on my craft closet an interesting thing happened as I was working with those ties.  In the past I would have looked at all of those ties and thought "I can make something out of them!"  There are many projects that use up old things to keep as mementoes.  While I probably would have had fun making it (IF I ever got to it!), it would have been one of those things that either sat in the box for years, taken out every so often to look at and remember, then tucked away again taking up space until someone else decided to get rid of it, who REALLY wants a quilt made out of ties!? 

My tight hold on material things is getting looser with every load that I take to the thrift store. I'm focusing on fond memories, and writing them down.  I'm cleaning areas of our home and finding that I am not feeling so agitated when I open a closet and things tumble out (think messy Marvin!).

Another area of progress: cookbooks!

I just donated between 65-70 cookbooks that I have collected over the years.  Many that were never used.  I loved to read them, but dusting and having them stacked 3 deep in precious little space got to be too much.  It was HARD because I remember buying them, like the Charleston Receipts book when I was stationed at Charleston AFB - never made one recipe from that book and that was 36 years ago!! I also had cookbooks from nearly every Bed and Breakfast we have stayed at over the years, yet never made one recipe out of them. I now have one shelf with the books I use the most, along with two recipe boxes of cards mostly written in my Mom and Dad's handwriting, along with some of my favorite family recipes.  I know I can read and enjoy many cookbooks, and stories, on the internet or use our local library and not have to move or dust them! 

Also gone: 10 men's and women's coats - one that I wore before I lost over 65 lbs - two of me could fit in it now!  All gone....... 

I share these stories because my ultimate goal in all of this is for my 70 year old husband to finally retire again.  I work my Direct Sales jobs diligently, and as I build those and get our house in order at the same time hopefully he will get back to the leisure and enjoying our home as he deserves.  Some of you may just be starting your life others may be like us and in the later stage - take a look at what is important to you and embrace it.  You may be surprised as you loosen your grip on things you have placed value in and find an even bigger treasure that is waiting for you.  I know I am!
 



Letting Go..... The Story of a Hutch

Late 1960's, a young couple buys their first complete set of "grown up" furniture.  Top of the line, purchased on credit, and the journey began of "paying on time".  Working multiple jobs in order to pay, but no sign of the poverty they grew up in -  their first beautiful home. 

 

Fast forward to 1983.  A young woman of 26  (me) marries and moves into another woman's  dream home.  Learning to be married, living with a husband still grieving the loss of his high school sweetheart and wife of 18 years....... and surrounded by beautiful things not my own.  Slowly over the 31 years we have been married our homes have shown touches of "me".  This hutch is the last surviving piece of all that fine furniture that Waylon and Lynda purchased all those years ago.  I slowly replaced, sold, and gave away all of the other pieces in our various moves.  This being the only china hutch we have, I have kept it.  It doesn't match my 'style', it isn't something I picked out.  But it is a high end piece of furniture, and I have never been able to justify getting rid of it.  It is also the last piece of Waylon's connection to Lynda.  The interesting thing, to him it is just a piece of furniture- his attachment is inside, in his heart.  To me, it is as if I would be betraying her if I remove this last piece of their life together from our home. 

 

Last weekend Lynda's niece (who we are VERY close to, and she is the Godmother to our granddaughter) visited us along with her new husband.  She also has a hutch exactly like mine - as her mother and Waylon's wife bought them at the same time.  Her words to me "Aunt Lynda would never have wanted someone to keep something just because it was hers".  This wise young woman said she too keeps her hutch though not something she wants or needs, because her mother wouldn't understand her NOT keeping it.  Her words: get rid of it!

 

Deep down I have been holding on to many of the things in our home because someone gave them to us, or they were/are a reminder to something in the past.  I am a sentimental person, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But to hold on to things 'just because', that don't serve a purpose or give me joy.... that is what I have been rethinking and working through.

 

I am learning that simplifying and removing clutter and all that goes along with it is freeing!  I have a long way to go, but each small step - each box, each load to the thrift store is drawing me closer to ME!  As I look around  this very room I sit in I see a couch from my oldest niece, still in excellent shape but also not my style - but she was redecorating and we needed a couch - so here it sits.  I see lamps, accessories and mementoes, all hand me downs and  very random.  I'm learning to say no...... I'm learning to pick and choose and surround myself with simplicity and space that expresses me.  My love for God is growing, my grasp of stuff is loosening....... I took a big step today, I listed the hutch for sale. *gulp*

 

 

 



Long Gray Hair

Over the weekend my husband made a remark: "I've been thinking about this new phase you are in, this 'de-cluttering' - when you get tired of that, give me your next project for the backyard disaster area".  That remark really struck a chord with me!  I admit, I have gone through many phases in my life during the 32 years we have been together.  Over the last several years the 'phases' have given way to depression and feeling stuck.  Part of it is natural in growing older and life not looking anything like I imagined when I was 25, but does anyone's life really look like they imagine when young?

 

I have started many projects over the last two years, and nearly all of them remain in a state of limbo.  I start things that I think will make me happy, when all I'm doing is continually searching.  When I had my 'light bulb' moment about 10 days ago and started on the quest to simplify it was not like any other time in the past when I have gone through another phase.  This morning I looked up the definition of change:

 

To make the form, nature, content or future course of something different from what it would be if left alone.

 

Something inside of me has been changing lately.  I have been stuck in the place of still imagining that things will be different, when the only way they can be is if I CHANGE!  One of the first big changes for me came almost exactly two years ago. I had hair that was about 1 inch long all over my head, and I received tons of compliments on how cute it was.  Just what most women want, compliments!  But not me. My hair had been super short for a couple of years, and I hated every moment of it.  But the words of my mom, back just before I married "you are getting married now, to a banker - you are too old (26?!) to have long hair".  So my childhood dream of long flowing hair, with flowers in it for my wedding went out the door - and I had the ultra conservative, short styled hair, with a traditional veil.  The beginning of many long years of being someone other than me. 

 

In the midst of this simplifying and de-cluttering, I am SLOWLY discovering that being me is much more fun than being who the world wants me to be!  Does it make things easier?  Not necessarily.  Is life still hard and full of disappointment?  Yes. No matter what age you are, be YOU!  Don't wait, like I did, until you are 58 to be the person you want to be instead of who others want you to be.  When you are living and being who God created you to be, you will be a blessing to others and that is so much better than being stuck in a place you don't want to be.  I choose change.

 

 

Other things I'm changing:

 

I have an unfinished book that I have hesitated to complete, for fear that no one will read it. I'm changing my attitude - I'm writing it because I want to, whether anyone reads it or not.  I will complete my book.

 

I am going to succeed at my two direct sales businesses - even though many tell me that I won't.  It will take work, and it will take change - but I am using my skills and training as a life coach to help the people on my teams to succeed, I will succeed as well.

 

I'm continuing on the quest to simplify and de-clutter.  It is not another phase, it is a CHANGE - and I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

 

My challenge to you: be YOU and seek a change in your life, oh the places you'll go!!