Rocks

I'm having flashbacks to many years ago, my bathroom floor has rocks on it.  I'm not talking big huge boulders, but pea gravel emptied from my granddaughter's shoes at bath time. The reason for the flashback, our daughter loved to fill her school uniform pockets with rocks when she was a child.  I would find them on the floor, in the washing machine, and of course often step on the tiniest pebble that felt like a razor through the bottom of my foot.  Yes, I go barefoot all the time and when there are rocks in the house - beware!

The fascination with rocks didn't end at filling pockets, we had rocks of all sorts  throughout our home.  There was even a lamp base filled with her most treasured rocks and gems. When we went on trips it was easy to bring something home, a new rock would suffice. That love of rocks has carried to our young granddaughters.  We go on golf cart rides down our country road and picking up rocks is a favorite activity.  Nothing fancy, just random slate, a little granite, some quartz, but you would think their buckets of rocks were the most priceless possession from the way they react.

This morning as I got up long before the sun, I was walking into my bathroom and of course stepped on one tiny piece of pea gravel that I missed after the girls' visit a few nights ago. Ouch!  As I looked at that small rock this morning I thought about how the tiniest thing can stop me cold.  

As I was studying Nehemiah during Lent, and his rebuilding of the wall, at first I was encouraged.  To read of his persistence against great obstacles, opposition and rebellion started out as a motivation to me. If you read the rest of the story (from where I left off) Nehemiah never gave up.  He kept on.    I just stopped.  I hit my own wall of resistance and I didn't push through.  It was as if a giant granite mountain was in front of me and I didn't want to try and figure out how to get around it.  Where Nehemiah was struggling to rebuild the wall I was struggling to tear one down.  One of the seasons (Lent/Easter) that I look forward to the most became a burden this year.

When I look back over the last 3 weeks there have been so many things that have filled my life and time.  

*taking steps to taper down a business that I have worked very hard on for 3 years

*taking larger steps to build a new business that excites me, is promising and is "what I've been looking for"

*working at a ministry job that is proving to be life changing for the women who are participating

*continual praying and support for family members

*heart wrenching sadness for loved ones suffering from cancer and other illnesses

The biggest obstacle has been a spiritual one. While I have been super reflective in prayer time and in seeking God more than ever, some of the normally accepted practices of a good Christian have been a struggle for me.  I'm disillusioned at what the 'church' has become. I struggle with yet another event, program or fundraiser. As I sat with 4 women around a table over the last 5 weeks we talked about life.  To look at this world from a perspective that is so different than my own has been eye opening.  But it is also making me ask "What have I been doing all of these years?" 

A tiny little rock that caused me pain this morning got me thinking.  Have I been relying on the Rock that I gave my life to so many years ago?  I can say, without a doubt - YES! Even though from appearances some may say I'm a backslider, or neglecting my duties as a Christian I feel closer to God than I ever have.  I am having real conversations with women about how God has moved in my life and in theirs.  I am witnessing volunteers give of themselves simply as a way of sharing the love of Christ, not for any recognition.  I feel alive, with the love of God, because I'm relying on Him to be my Rock.

I've been a faithful 'church goer' for most of my life.  Suddenly I feel alive as a Christ-follower.  To be sharing his story, his 'why' and see women experience God's mercy and grace from people they don't even know has been a revival.   I am truly blessed.  It has taken moving some rocks, stepping on pebbles and facing huge mountains in front of me to truly understand just what that blessing is.  Do I still have that battle to face on my indifference and disillusion about 'the church'?  Yes ~ but then I am reminded, I am the church, you are the church, WE are the church together.  Go, be the church!

Isaiah 26:4 Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

Be Prepared

I have spent the last week administering and scoring personality tests and results with a class of women I am working with.  I always love doing personality tests!  What I love even more is seeing the expression on a face when I share the results - it's as if they think I am a mind reader!  It is all in the answering of the questions.   Knowing your personality type can help you learn behaviors and how to respond or react when confronted with various situations. Not only knowing your own personality type, but also understanding opposing types can often help in helping you cope with situations. 

While I love working with this topic and helping others understand it, I also know that my faith adds another whole twist on things.  My personal 'type' is to be very scheduled - organized and have things planned out and know what is coming next. I rely on myself, and it is my nature to take control.  I like to have a plan and then execute that plan and also make sure others do as well.  Life doesn't always go according to my plans!

This blog is a perfect example of how life gets me going in different directions.  I had a plan, a schedule for this entire season of Lent.  I knew what I wanted to post, when, and I even had the rough outline for the entire season.  As you can see, it has been 8 days since my last post - definitely not what I had planned.  Many unknowns, in business, in family life and just the days in general threw me off track.  My perfectly laid out plan went awry.  The very cool thing is that through it all the one thing that didn't waver was my faith.  I became extremely tuned in to God - I trusted deeply that things would work out, even when it seemed impossible.  And this last week that is exactly what happened.  I kept trusting, kept praying, and kept believing.  

Let's take a look at what has happened next with Nehemiah since my last post (we ended with Nehemiah encouraging others to not give up, to not be afraid as they faced the enemies).

Nehemiah 4:15-23 When our enemies heard that we knew of their plans and that God had frustrated them, we all returned to our work on the wall. But from then on, only half my men worked while the other half stood guard with spears, shields, bows and coats of mail. The leaders stationed themselves behind the people of Judah who were building the wall. The laborers carried on their work with one hand supporting their load and one hand holding a weapon.  All the builders had a sword belted to their side. The trumpeter stayed with me to sound the alarm. Then I explained to the nobles and officials and all the people, "The work is very spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!"  We worked early and late, from sunrise to sunset. And half the men were always on guard. I also told everyone living outside the walls to stay in Jerusalem. That way they and their servants could help with guard duty at night and work during the day. During this time, none of us - not I, nor my relatives, nor my servants, nor the guards who were with me - ever took off our clothes. We carried our weapons with us at all times, even when we went for water. NLT

I tend to be a loner - I depend on myself, I get things done and don't like having to depend on others.  This last two weeks have  been a real challenge!  My personal home business relies on team work.  Mostly it depends on me to drive success and results, but there is an element of needing others that can't be denied.  Likewise my work at the non-profit also relies heavily on the contributions of others.  I was laboring so intensively, and trying so hard to get it all done by myself that the enemy was gaining a foothold.  I had a few evenings of illness creeping in, I didn't know how things would get done, I saw the whole thing crumbling after months of hard work.  Just like the workers on the wall - I was tired.  The enemy was closing in and I was about to give up.  Deep inside the 'never give up' attitude took hold.  I first turned to my trusted prayer partners and expressed my anguish over how things were going.  I was open and honest about feeling like a failure.  Then I told others - I shared openly with those also working on the project.  Like Nehemiah, I decided to stand my ground and keep working!  I called others to be on guard and to keep working as well. These last few days I have never let my guard down - fervent prayer, sharing needs with others and working together for a common goal and God is providing for and empowering us.  

These last months there was never any question that God led me to the two jobs I have. The way they each came about was so unbelievable that I knew it was from God.  I think knowing that is what woke me up from my slump of defeat to dig that morsel of hope out of the depths and nurture it, to keep going.  I'm sure more obstacles will come, but I'm sharpening my weapons, I'm going to be prepared for the challenges that the enemy shoots my way.  Imagine Jesus in the wilderness, how must he have felt at this point?  The temptation and challenges must have been extreme at this point in those 40 days.  How are YOU doing? Are you standing firm in the face of challenges and situations that are getting you down?  Are you letting the enemy take hold?  Get your weapons out!  Keep working, keep looking to God and always be prepared.  

Prayer:  Lord help me this day to keep going.  Keep that goal in front of me, so that I can see it and know that it is worth fighting for. Help me see YOUR vision for my life, and help me when the enemy tries to divert me from Your plan.  Hear my prayers, surround me with others who are willing to stand beside me to accomplish Your will.  Be my All.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

What breaks your heart?

A couple of months ago I attended a leadership retreat for a ministry job that I was participating in.  During that retreat we had one session on a small portion of Scripture that really spoke to me.  Since that time I have pondered and pondered it and a few weeks ago I knew, without doubt, that I would choose that book for my Lenten focus.  It is quite unusual as a study for this season of preparation, reflection, repentance and journeying with Jesus. I have always shared that I write this blog space for myself and if anyone else reads it I just pray that there is a nugget  that speaks to the heart.  So let's go on a journey these next few weeks as we travel the road to the Cross, and I hope my musings and reflection spark something in you as well.

Have you ever been so troubled by something, some circumstance or situation, that when you hear about it you just weep?  I'm not talking just personal and family issues, but large things that seem so impossible to make right that the overwhelm just stops you in your tracks. Now I will NOT venture into politics or other social issues of our day as those very things cause me to stop and weep, I'm thinking more on a personal level.  I know what things loom in front of me, or a better description would be what seem to be crumbling before me and how impossible it seems to fix them.  Come on a journey with me to the world of Nehemiah.  Most of this book is written in the first person and there is  some question as to whether it is written in part by Ezra. Nehemiah was a cupbearer to King Artaxerxes.   

Nehemiah 1:1-4  These are the memoirs of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah.  It was late autumn in the month of Kislev, in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes' reign. I was at the fortress of Susa. Hanani, one of my brothers, came to visit me with some other men who had just arrived from Judah.  I asked them about the Jews who had returned there from captivity and about how things were going in Jerusalem.  They said to me, "Things are not going so well for those who returned to the province of Judah.  They are in great trouble and disgrace.  The wall of Jerusalem has been torn down, and the gates have been destroyed by fire."  When I heard this, I sat down and wept.  In fact, for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven.   NLT

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need a good cry!  I even wrote a bit about crying the other day.  Nehemiah had a heart for the city, and the people.  His first reaction was weeping.  Look at what else he did - fasted, prayed and turned to God.  Those are common disciplines for Lent.  As I sat in Ash Wednesday worship yesterday those very things were talked about and encouraged for the next 40 days.  They certainly will be part of my practices, but this year I'm intentionally thinking big.  I'm looking at a life situation that seems impossible, insurmountable and so out of the question to be fixed that it just makes me weep, and I'm turning to God.

Your challenge today is to do what Nehemiah did- ask the question.  "How are things going?"  Take a good look deep inside at the big mountains you are facing and ask "how is it going? What is the condition I'm in, and what is the biggest thing that needs repair?"  

Prayer and focus for today:  Lord help me take the blinders off.  Reveal to me the real issue(s) that are facing me.  Help me not to ignore them but to weep for the situation, then pray and turn to You.  Today may my heart be opened to the pain, so that I can hold it, look at it and acknowledge it.  Help me see and then call me to You for help.  In Jesus' name I pray.