When I look back over the last few weeks of my journal entries and also back at my last blog post it is not only my vision that has been blurred. There have been hours spent thinking back on paths and past decisions and how my decisions were made. Have you ever prayed so fervently for something but as things unfolded you questioned whether your prayers were heard? When I sat and dug deep into my memories and journal entries there were so many times that I was certain that either my prayers had gone unanswered or I simply hadn't prayed hard enough. In the looking back I realize that God indeed answers, and though it may not look like I wanted there is good in each thing.
For many months I have questioned the path that I am on. I have written in this space before that I truly love the work that I do. I love the freedom of it and the way that I can design my days, and when I do the work I can provide for us. Inside there has been this conflict. Nearly 2 years ago I started a quest for simplification - a decluttering. While great progress was made, it just came to a standstill. Tied up in all of that was my work, a business that is fun, pretty and a frivolous line of products. I still love that line of products, immensely. What was eating away at me was "how can I ask people to buy things, spend money on items that are not necessities? I'm working so hard to make our life and home about necessities, yet I'm selling a luxury item". Then I would justify it, telling myself that people are going to spend the money anyway, I might as well provide for us by selling what they want.
During the Christmas season we had a wonderful time with family, focusing on the meaning and reason we were celebrating. We were also navigating through the weeks of recovery as my husband healed from some major surgeries. It was even more evident to me during that time that we need to protect our health, our home, our basic needs. Jumbled up in all of that I also started a new ministry job. So much piling on! The ministry job is a calling , a place to use the gifts that I have to help others. It came at a time that we needed the income and I knew that it was an answer to prayer. As usual for me, in my life journey and ministry calling, when I follow that call it is with great blessing. Then money runs out. So do I continue to do the thing that God has called me to do, or am I only doing it for the money? So many hard things to think about all at once.
Then another deep and pleading prayer: God, show me the direction You would have me go! Guide me to first be serving You, and second to provide and be a good steward. Help me make good decisions, right decisions and faith-filled decisions.
I prayed that prayer every day for what seemed like weeks. I poured out my words in my journal. I would continue to do my business with integrity and all of my energy. I worked at the ministry position while not seeing any fruit come from the labor (yet). January 9, a Monday, a change happened. I had an event planned that I had sent personal invitations to, I had advertised, I had worked hard to set up. Not one response. I was trying to mentor my team and felt like I was talking to empty space. I was questioning, I was doubting. I crossed paths with a couple and the offer they quietly presented was shouting to something deep inside of me - could this be God's way of answering the prayers that I had prayed for so long? I was not looking, I was not wanting to change, yet I knew that in some way I needed to. A still small voice was whispering "you prayed, I answered".
Change is hard! I still don't have a clear picture of how everything will unfold. My life (and calendar) are now fuller than ever. When I look at my color-coded planner I see a pattern emerging. What at first glance looks like a random mish-mash of chaos, I slowly see as a beautiful future unfolding. I see hope and promise that the voice I heard is the right one. I see myself moving in a direction to help people, both in the ministry calling and in the new business direction. Everything is starting to align in my quest to be a good steward and to help people in their journey as well. I'm starting to feel good about decisions that I am making.
It's been a long road of searching, working, helping and striving to simplify my life. I'm not there yet! I'm making small changes, but each day it seems I'm to make big ones. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I'm on the right path and following the right voice. There is still so much unknown and new paths to discover, but one day at a time I'm listening for The Voice.
Isaiah 30:19-26 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, "This is the way you should go", whether to the right or to the left. Then you will destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, "Good riddance!" Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock. The oxen and donkeys that till the ground will eat good grain, its chaff blown away by the wind. In that day, your enemies are slaughtered and the towers fall, there will be streams of water flowing down every mountain and hill. The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter - like the light of seven days in one! So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them. NLT
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