Pay attention!

I am 3 rows and a simple cast off away from completing a shawlette that I have been knitting for nearly a year. This isn't a difficult pattern, or a large project but has taken me a long time to complete.  In my journey and quest to simplify one promise I made to myself was to work through my yarn, fabric and craft stash and only work on things that I had previously purchased.  I even removed many items and supplies of things that I have had for years that I now have no interest in.  Can you believe I even had fabric yardage in a tub from 1974 when I worked at the Sprouse Reitz five and dime on Main St. of Jackson, CA?  I carried that 3 yards of fabric all the way to Alaska, then here to Texas, but all it did was sit in a plastic tub.  It was a soft, fleecy material that I had planned to sew into a pretty nightgown. Even back then, at age 17 I was always trying new things.  I had been sewing since I was 9 and  I wanted to try something new.  I never made that garment and last year in one of the first purges of the sewing room that pretty white fabric with tiny blue and green flowers went away.

Another new thing I promised myself was to not start a new project until I finished what I already had in progress.  This gives a little insight into this LONG shawlette project!  In the past I would start a large project like an afghan or quilt and would get bored so I would move from project to project and though I would complete many of them, it took a long time because I was always jumping from one thing to another.  I could have had this current item done weeks ago, but I would find myself looking at patterns or opening up my yarn box and imagining what I will make next. 3 simple rows and I could actually be ready to cast on something new. Why do I do that?  Why do I set things aside and not complete them? I have done the same in my work life - moving from place to place, always searching.

My hobbies are not the only place this happens.  I can look around our home and see multiple areas where this procrastination, distraction and failure to complete things is evident. 2 1/2 years ago my husband I started a project to enclose our back patio into a screened porch.  We did the prep, started framing and were going along fantastic and then I had surgery on my hand.  Then the holidays. Then it was cold. Then the area had been sitting so long it looked ugly and we just didn't do it.  Now here we are almost 3 years later - we have a 3/4 completed screened in porch and will need to do repairs on some of our early work before we can complete it.  By putting things off we have made more work and expense for ourselves in the long run.  

One place that I can say I am very proud of myself, and my 'sticking to it' attitude is in my business.  I have mentioned before that I own and operate my own Direct Sales business.  I have been doing this for two years, and I get the glares, doubt and 'look down the noses' from others that goes along with that.  "Oh, she is doing one of those pyramid things, what a scam" or "why doesn't she get a real job?"  It was hard to take this risky step - yes, I have training in traditional jobs and experience in other things, yet when I took on this endeavor I realized that everything I have searched for all through the years, in my work, has led to this. I get to be in charge, yet I'm accountable to a larger group.  I use my skills of life coaching, leadership and encouragement daily with my team and coworkers. I found a product and and company that I believe in and feel good about representing. Since I love school there is always training to be done. There is an element of independence that I treasure.  I like being in charge, no surprise to those of you that know me!  That very thing can be extremely difficult as well.  I have to constantly reach out and continue on when things get hard.  I have to motivate myself in order to get a paycheck, and even sometimes then it doesn't happen. Unlike setting aside a knitting project or finishing a screened porch, in my work I must push through.  I have never enjoyed or felt more passionate about a job (with the exception of the Air Force) in all of my adult years as I do this one, and I have had some GREAT jobs!  Direct sales is a people business, and I love interacting with people.

This summer has been a hard one, probably one of the most difficult times for me personally that I can remember.  I had a pretty routine schedule in a flexible sort of way.  I worked my business regularly and was also able to enjoy my hobbies more.  That is the beauty of my business - I can work hard for a short period of time and then spend the rest of my time how I pleased, I couldn't do that with a traditional job. Then summer of 2016 came.  The need to help our daughter in the care of her young girls.  Neither of us can afford full time camps and day care for the summer - so our home became summer camp/day care central.  My routine of running my business has suffered -and in this business when you don't tend to it, you notice!  I look forward to being just Grammy again, instead of schedule planner, disciplinarian and fight referee!  This summer has also given me great respect for those grandparents that do this all the time. And for those single parents that struggle through their jobs and routines with little or no help.  I also face a hard few weeks of tending my business in areas that have been neglected - it will be like picking up a knitting project after a long break and having to reacquaint myself with the pattern.

I have learned lessons from this shawl that is taking me so long to complete. I'm seeing that paying attention is crucial in life.  It may seem trivial to be so focused on completing a simple knitting project.  Yet it is a symbol of the direction I want to take going forward. To take on a task and complete it in a timely manner, to the best of my ability.  To stay the course, even in the boring multiple rows of stockinette stitch instead of the variety of a patterned border. To make the phone calls, text messages and mailings for customer care that are necessary in my business, to do few things with excellence instead of many in a mediocre manner.  I need to pay attention.

I have simple goals - to live out life with less 'stuff', to enjoy what I do, and to honor God in all of it.  Paying attention is a skill that takes practice but like any other habit, the more we do it the better we get at it!

Telling stories

In my quest to simplify and declutter our home  over the last 14 months the hardest thing for me to deal with is pictures.  I have already saved many of my current photos from electronic devices to books and albums.  Though I love the instant aspect of photography now, and the ability to see if it is a 'good one' right away, I still love thumbing through old photos.  I have a basket that I just keep moving around, waiting for a rainy day to organize, label and store them.  I have already gotten rid of many scenery pics that I can't even remember where they were taken.  I am also writing names on the backs of pictures because I have so many old photos from ancestors that I have no idea who they are, I don't want that to happen to my pics!  

When I was moving the basket once again, to go through a closet and load up another batch of clothes and trinkets to remove from the house, the little girls wanted to look through the photos.  It was so fun to listen to them as they looked at pictures of their mommy as a little girl.  Asking me who people are and then telling them stories of what was going on in the picture.  

Having lots of pictures in my phone or computer is convenient and easy to look at , but there is just something about holding a photograph in your hand and remembering.........

So much of our world is instant and so very fast.   I do love my electronics, I can write this blog and read other blogs in this easy and accessible manner.  But holding a book or writing with pen and paper,  and looking at a real photo are things for us to pass along to those coming along behind.  There is so much value in passing along our life stories, and it is often quoted that we are just one generation away from losing many things.  I don't want our family story to be lost.  I will continue to tell these little girls our story and enjoy the smiles on their faces as they discover story treasures of their mom as a little girl.

I also will continue to share the story of my God and Jesus with them as well.  To teach them compassion, love and grace.  Hopefully they will hold fast to all of it and someday pass it all along to those that come next.

Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.  NLT

Screw-hoppers! (EEKK!!)

I have an irrational fear of grasshoppers (or screw-hoppers as they have  been called in our family since our daughter was about 3 - so 25 years ago).  This horrible affliction started when I was about 7 or 8 years old when a neighborhood boy chased me with a gigantic grasshopper then threw it at me.  The evil creature stuck to my shirt right at chest level - looking at me with those menacing eyes and no matter how I batted at it it just clung there!  I can still imagine it all of these 50+ years later, I have hated them ever since and I wasn't too fond of that neighbor boy either for a very long time!

My encounters with grasshoppers continued through the years.  In 7th grade I was very excited that in science class we were going to have the opportunity to dissect frogs.  I had heard about that from older friends, and was looking forward to the adventure.  Imagine my extreme anxiety when we got to science class that year and when we opened our little dissection cases inside I found a huge black and yellow grasshopper of some sort from Africa! I had never seen a grasshopper that large ever, and now I was going to have to spend a couple of weeks dissecting it?!  Yes, it was dead and the smell of formaldehyde was strong, but it was still a grasshopper and I dreaded that class until the evil thing was in pieces and that lesson unit was done.

I used to love to go fishing with my Dad, but he knew better than to even suggest using a grasshopper as bait.  I could handle an occasional cricket, but my bait of choice was always a nice fat worm.  Thankfully when I was stationed in Alaska in the Air Force I didn't encounter any grasshoppers.  I could fish without worry of being attacked by the evil creatures.  I could handle picking leeches off of my waders and watching out for the random black bear that would wander through camp, but a grasshopper? That would send me packing!  

My fear of grasshoppers has become somewhat of a laughing point in the family.  For years when we gathered with my sister and her family for holidays a mean little tradition started. One year for Christmas a very large (8-10 inches) rubber grasshopper, in vibrant green and yellow, was nicely wrapped as a gift to me.  The family, including the children, had great fun at my reaction when I opened it!  That rubber grasshopper made the rounds for several years.  I didn't want it in my house, so I left it in a drawer before we headed home.  Over the years it showed up tied to the top of a shower head, in bed, in underwear drawers, in bathroom cabinets.  It became a fun game to hide the screw-hopper before a family visit was done.  Thankfully that has stopped, mainly because I think it is lost somewhere in my sister's home from multiple moves!  I'm so happy that one tradition is over.

There have been other encounters with grasshoppers through the years.  I remember not so fondly traveling with my husband to a golf tournament near his childhood home of Placid, TX.  It was a year of grasshopper plague and we drove miles over a country road that was covered in the largest grasshoppers I had ever seen (besides that one I dissected)  You could hear the crunch of them as we drove and I dreaded getting out of the vehicle when we parked for fear of there being a live one that would attack me!  

Just a few weeks ago I thought my time had come.  I was driving to town on a sunny day just enjoying the scenery and a few moments alone.  Suddenly an evil creature appeared on my windshield.  I was so certain it was inside the car with me I had to pull over and calm myself as my heart rate went up and I was short of breath - it took me a moment to realize it was outside.  I knew my family would get a big laugh out of that one, so once I got my breathing back in order I snapped this picture:

It can be a difficult thing when your young daughter, and now granddaughters, love to catch them and play with them.  Not only do I hate the heat this time of year, but just a walk to the mailbox at the end of our driveway is anxiety ridden because grasshoppers are everywhere. They lurk in the green leaves of my begonia on the front porch, they hide in the tomato plants and glare at me as I reach in to harvest.  I have lived in Texas for 34 years and I will never be comfortable with screw-hoppers!  

I'm sure this may have given you a chuckle.  The thing is I know it is an irrational fear.  I can squash a spider without hesitation. And a mouse?  Just set a trap and dispose of it!  But a grasshopper?  No way, no how!  My affair with these evil things has been going on since childhood, but when I got to Texas a new fear emerged that is just as real and irrational - huge Palmetto bugs - the biggest roaches you will ever see!  Thankfully, since moving to the Hill Country 10 years ago, my battle with those has ended, but that is a whole other story!

All kidding aside, fear of any kind can be crippling.  As we are faced every day with another police shooting, a bombing, or the many other  horrific acts we are bombarded with in the news, it would be easy to lock ourselves inside our homes and avoid the world.  I have learned to live with my fear of screw-hoppers.  I do avoid them, but I still walk out to get my mail every day. I still go pick the tomatoes and just hope one doesn't jump on me!  I look around and am aware of where I step and sit - just like we should be aware of our surroundings at all times. Yet we go on living.  We embrace the day God has given us and pray for protection from the evil in this world.  The evil still comes, and sometimes it crosses our path. Just like the grasshopper on my windshield encounter - we pause, we catch our breath, and we turn on those windshield wipers and get going again!  Don't let fear cripple you- our God is bigger than your fear. (I still don't know why He created grasshoppers!)

"That makes me SO MAD!"

Sometimes I don't like being nice. I want to pout, lash out, retaliate and get revenge.  When someone acts childish or says things about me, or my loved ones, that are not true I want to set them straight.  It's kind of like the mess of our politics in this country right now. We are provided very slanted views of every story and situation, from both sides.  Just like events and encounters in my life - every story has two sides.

How do you respond  when confronted with disrespect or lies?  How do you answer when someone talks down or ugly to you?  I can give it back with both barrels. I also know that day to day I have two very small and impressionable little girls watching me.  Since they already live in a blended family, with difficulties and situations out of my control, I have to be careful about how I present things to them.  I have to guard my mouth and my actions because they are always watching.  While they are looking to me for guidance, I know God is looking at me and thinking "how is she going to handle this thing?  How is she going to react this time?"  It really serves no purpose to  show the ugly side of myself, I would much prefer to show grace and understanding.  But it sure is hard sometimes!

One thing that  keeps me on track, or helps me to get BACK on track is by centering myself with prayer, Scripture and other devotional writings.  Here is a portion of today's reading from one of my favorites that I quote often:

Suffering afflictions and going the second mile.  "I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also" Matthew 5:39

This verse reveals the humiliation of being a Christian. In the natural realm, if a person does not hit back, it is because he is  coward.  But in the spiritual realm, it is the very evidence of the Son of God in him, if he does not hit back.  When you are insulted, you must not only not resent it, but you must make it an opportunity to exhibit the Son of God in your life. And you cannot imitate the nature of Jesus - it is either in you or it is not,  A personal insult becomes an opportunity for a saint to reveal the incredible sweetness of the Lord Jesus........ Never look for righteousness in the other person, but never cease to be righteous yourself.  We are always looking for justice, yet the essence of the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount is - never look for justice, but never cease to give it.  My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers.

Only by constantly reading and reminding myself am I able to work toward this. When I try to do it on my own the negative reactions take over.  I'm writing today because it is one of those days that I NEED reminding!

I need a re-wind!

I sat in worship yesterday and prayed fervently for a grace-filled week, kind words to come from my mouth and to be a loving and guiding "Grammy" to my sweet grand daughters.  My day has been everything but that!  I have found my temper to be short, my words to not be loving and every nerve and emotion are stretched to their limits.  It's as if when my reactions and mood gets out of control their behaviors just escalate and get worse.  

Who are you when stress and difficult situations rise up?  Today is one of those days when I am constantly reminded that children are for young people!  The day to day care, (and it's only half way through the summer) seems to have drained every last ounce of patience that I don't have much of anyway.  The methods of discipline  that are usually effective and in place, and the chores, activities and fun times that we usually have are all mysteriously out of place today.  Bad behavior breeds more bad behavior.  I am the adult and I found myself acting as childish as they do.  But they are 4 and 7 - I should know better!

As I separated myself from the girls for a bit, still wanting to continue on in childish conversation with them and not being a good example I had a nagging thought continue to come to the front of my mind.  How God must be so very disappointed in me and my behavior today!  Just as I am frustrated and angry that two little girls aren't minding, being mean to each other and just down right cranky - I can see God looking at me in the same way.  Again, I know better! I'm supposed to be showing them grace and kindness and being a role model, not lowering myself to their tantrums.  God made me in His image, but I'm certainly not modeling that today.

I picked up one of my devotional books and it fell open to the reading for June 4 - just what I needed to hear today:

Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me.  You have Me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to  handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges.  That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Without Me, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle!  The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with Me.  Let your thoughts and spoken words be richly flavored with trust and thankfulness.  Regardless of the day's problems, I can keep you in perfect Peace as you stay close to Me.   Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

About 30 minutes to go and the house will be quiet until tomorrow morning.  I will once again have a chance to start fresh and hopefully be walking more closely with God and being a better role model.  I have this painting hanging in a special place.  I found it when I was on one of my camping trips and it has become a favorite of mine.

If I could just stay in that time before dawn, being me.  No one to interact with, no one but God.  No one expecting me to be a certain way.  It would be easy to stay in that time.  But God didn't promise easy.  He wants me to rely on Him.  If I had done more of that today, instead of my own failed emotions and giving in to selfish behaviors maybe it would be evident who God created me to be - His.  Thankfully I get a rewind, each moment is.a fresh chance.    I want to be that "me" instead of the one that was here today.  I know that is what He wants too.

Psalm 42:11  Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart sad? I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again - my Savior and my God.  NLT

71.......93..........?

Last week I posted about 'letting go'.  This is a continuation.  I have a 'grand daughter free' day today, so I have been taking advantage of the quiet house and getting lots of work done on my two businesses.  Sending mail, making videos and just general office work that kind of gets neglected with two young children here every day.   My husband came home from his day job as a chaplain at the hospital shortly after noon.  He had a bite to eat, sat down for a bit then was out the door.  He often is puttering around outside working on one project or another and today was no different.  He had made a contact today while making his pastoral rounds and found a source for some free fill dirt.  So off he went with his trailer.  About 90 minutes later he pulled in with a fully loaded trailer and pickup bed of dirt.  Now he's working on filling in those wonderful garden beds that he worked so hard on 3 years ago.  

71 years old, 93 degrees outside and he just keeps on.  Our world and social media feeds are blowing up with reports of violence, hate and acts so despicable it's hard to even imagine.  Sometimes we just turn it all off and 'be'.  We take care of this small piece of land that we have and are thankful.  We do what we can for our daughter and granddaughters because we love them.  We pray constantly that their world will somehow change from what it is now and their future isn't as dismal as it appears it will be.   We also have local friends facing family issues that tear hearts in two, and accidents that destroy lives and shatter dreams.  We also know that God is in our lives.

We don't escape heartache.  We have sorrow, anger, sometimes even despair. More than that we have hope.

hope: confidence in a future event; the highest degree of well founded expectation of good. 

Hope differs from wish or desire in that hope implies the expectation of obtaining the good desired, or the possibility of obtaining it.  Hope always gives pleasure or joy, whereas wish and desire may produce or be accompanied by pain and anxiety. (Websters 1828 American Dictionary).

It is still hard to let go of the vision I had for the back yard and those garden beds.  Waylon teases me about not getting out there and shoveling dirt with him in the 93 degree heat, and I answered "I will in the morning but not right now!"    Where he and I differ is he just keeps on, he does what needs to be done.  I dwell in the 'what if' or the 'what could have been'.  It's hard to let go of dreams, whether they are trivial, like back yard garden beds, or truly important like dreams of a safe and peaceful world.  I am working on letting go of a lot of things - both physical and emotional.  It is a long and difficult process and only with God will I make any progress at all.  Dreams that have been held close to my heart for 59 years are hard to let go of.  

Ecclesiastes 3:9-15 What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. And I know whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God's purpose is that  people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

I will keep on hoping.  I will keep trusting in God and believing that His ultimate purpose and plan will be fulfilled.  As humans we may do all we can to destroy God's plan, but that isn't possible - so I will keep on with hope.