Letting Go

Three years ago my husband did weeks of back breaking work, all for me.  You see - we have a large backyard and living in the country on well water we don't irrigate our 'lawn' (native grass and weed patch).  Our vision was to put in well planned square foot gardening beds that we could plant with vegetables, herbs and some wildflowers for the hummers and butterflies.  We researched and he dug deep into the hard ground in carefully planned plots. He lined the edges as per the guidebook and he then filled a 12"  wide trench around each bed, equally deep, with crushed granite to deter the devil plant - Bermuda grass. I researched even more- filling each bed with the perfect soil mix, I even sent samples off for testing to determine the perfect nutrients  for the variety of plants that would grow in each bed.  For one season the beds looked fabulous, at least at the beginning.  He put in 10 of these beds.  

Being the wise garden planners that we are, we failed to take into account that we live on a hill.  Though infrequent, when gully washer rains come our backyard looks like a river as the water runs through our yard from the properties above.  We all know that  #&*! runs downhill (along with weeds of unknown origin).   

In that first year we battled grasshoppers, fire ants, weeds, bugs and more, along with the extreme heat that arrives seemingly overnight.  We have friends that have super productive gardens but we seem to be cursed in that regard. We had maybe one small harvest of squash, tomatoes and peppers did pretty well, but for the huge amount of work that we put into the beds, the return was meager.  

Fast forward to today.  We both work, me at home and Waylon outside the home. We care for our granddaughters full time this summer during the day, and honestly - we have no energy to keep up these beds, much less make them look fabulous. Our budget doesn't allow for yard help, so we made the not so hard decision to take the majority of the beds out. Again, Waylon is doing hard physical labor, after he comes home from his day job (yes, still working at nearly 72). At least we don't have to pay a gym membership!

Would I like to still have that pretty vegetable bed that is in that first picture?  Of course, but life goes in different directions than planned. 3 years ago our lives were different and we had a little more time and desire to work in the yard.  Now the wide open space of weeds that can be cut  with the riding mower is much more appealing. We will leave a couple of the beds in- the wildflowers that don't need much care and my asparagus bed that is just now becoming productive. Letting go of dreams is hard.  As I walked this backyard early this morning, with the push mower maneuvering around the garden beds, I thought about my many dreams that I still hold on to: that perfect and bountiful garden, a home in the mountains where the temperature never goes above 70,  a successful career that people don't think is a scheme or 'shady deal', or a picture perfect family that doesn't battle through hurts and disappointments.

There is one more thing in our yard that gives me hope.  Two years ago I planted several blackberry canes.  They never grew, they didn't even seem to live.  This year, in early spring, I noticed among the winter weeds the berry cane of one plant poking up through the ground. I nurtured it, Waylon put a cage around it and even though he is taking out the beds around it the lone berry plant stands.  It has already provided a couple of bowls of luscious fruit. The little girls love to go out and see if there are any ready to pick.  More shoots continue to spring up around the base.  Life goes on. 

Today it seems like my dreams will never come true.  But just like that berry cane that I thought was long dead,  I have seeds of my dreams still deep in my heart.  I may water them with tears and keep feeding them by believing in a God of miracles but the main thing is they are still there.  Letting go is hard - but maybe, just maybe something better is coming.

Psalm 37:3-4 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.  NLT

How many days?!

I enjoy countdowns.  I make lists. I'm weird.  I have always kept little journals, big notebooks and all kinds of notepads and tablets.  Even though I do 90% of my work online on electronic devices I still love pens, paper and books. A fun blend of my love for countdowns and lists is an app where I can enter special dates and watch the time tick away until the event arrives. Here are just a few of the 'important' events that I have counting down:

Most of these dates are not significant to others - but they mean something to me.  To know that in just over a month I will gather with my work friends for the Jamberry Convention excites me.  To share ideas, celebrate successes and brainstorm work plans is something to look forward to.  

I am long past school age - but spending  the summer caring for a 4 year old and a 7 year old makes the First Day of School a huge milestone in my book!  I am reminded every day that children are for young people.  Though I love these girls dearly, the first day of school is a time for celebration - for them and for me.  Those little girls will get to be with friends again and continue on their journey of growth and discovery.  I will get back to very quiet days and more time to fully devote to my businesses.  Since I work from home those moments are precious.  What this summer has done for me is give me a greater understanding and deep appreciation for those young women that I mentor who run their businesses like this every day - God bless them!

Then there are the fun things that I countdown: Fall Decorating Day!  (Labor Day).  Those of you that know me at all are very aware that I really do not like summer, at all.  When Labor Day arrives and most people are enjoying one last summer fling or a family vacation  day I transform my home into browns, oranges, and rich fall colors.  I close the blinds so that the lingering Texas sun and heat aren't as noticeable.  I pretend that it really is fall, and that any day I will open the door to crisp morning air, falling leaves and the need to wear a sweater. By surrounding myself with simple decor my spirit is lifted.

151 days from today is THE decorating day.  For some this will be the day after Thanksgiving, time with family and friends and eating leftovers.  For me it is the day that all of that orange, brown, leaves and pumpkins are replaced with my treasures of the Christmas season.  The time of year when I feel closest to my Dad, who has been gone for 36 years. This 'decorating day' sets up the next few weeks of my fondest memories - my Mom teaching me how to bake numerous types of cookies so they could be delivered during Christmas week.  Listening to old favorites like Mitch Miller, Andy Williams and other special Christmas tunes.  It may sound like I am all about the 'things'.  Those things for me are mostly in my heart.  Though I surround myself with the decor and collected items of the season, what I really countdown with all of these things is the joy and expectation of what is to come.

Waiting for special events gives me hope. When I get bogged down in the day to day worries of life I look at those countdown screens on my phone and I smile.  When I see JamCon I know in just over a month I will see some great friends and make some new ones.  I will be 'recharged' to do my best at my work and the days without sales seem to fade away.  I will be reminded of why I love what I do.  When I am dealing with a 4 year old having a meltdown  and a 59 year old (me!) having an even larger meltdown I see the "First Day of School" and it prompts me to hold that child and remember that teaching her now about forgiveness and love will help her for the rest of her life, often more than what she will learn at school.   Most days I'm the one that needs the refresher lesson on forgiveness.

Then there are those decorating days.......I turn to those the most.  When things are just weighing heavily, when I have seen and heard way too many political rantings and worry about what my grandchildren will have to deal with I let my mind go to simplicity.  The plan of placing a large Ponderosa pine cone on top of my hutch and remembering why I love the mountains, or pulling out a pumpkin shaped soup tureen and fondly thinking of the dear friend who gave it to me -  those things  give me hope and joy.  The decor is just a way to not be bogged down in the sorrow of the present.  

The most important day of all in my countdowns is 180 days from today.  The day that I will celebrate the reason why I am who I am.  The day I remember that God sent his Son to us. Not for the presents,  not for the traditions or all of the fun things I will do on that day, but solely because constantly focusing on that day gives me the ultimate hope.  I know the 'whole story' but by always reminding myself of that gift from God helps me wade through the ups and downs of all of the other days of the year.  

Countdowns are fun - yet there is one countdown that I can't enter into my phone app.  So I will keep on with the ones I enjoy, I will focus on hope and I will keep an eye for the ultimate countdown that only One can see.

Mark 13:32-33 "However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself.  Only the Father knows. And since you don't know when the time will come, be on guard! Stay alert!  NLT

Remembering

So many pictures, so many tributes....... Father's Day.  It's not a happy day for some, as not all people had great relationships with their dads.  I did. As I sit and remember I'm very aware that I have now lived longer than he did, gone too young at 58 from cancer.  I remember going to his tire shop to sort invoices after school, third grade if my memory is correct, and I had just learned about the horrors of cigarette smoke. Those early days of claims about smoking causing cancer.  I broke an entire pack of my dad's Camel - no filters and threw them away!  Boy did I get in trouble! He didn't stop smoking until the day he was diagnosed, by then it was too late.

He didn't see that I got to work on airplanes in Alaska as I proudly wore the US Air Force uniform. He never got to walk me down the aisle. He didn't see the things I accomplished in life or realize that my time with him, those first 23 years, shaped who I became. But there are many things he did do.  He taught me to fish. He camped with me and taught me how to cook trout by a lake for breakfast (though we always had bacon with us just in case)! He used to love it when I gave him facials with Noxema.  And he taught me to love baseball. Not many people knew that Vic Koplin dreamed of playing major league ball.  When he was a young man he played in the US Navy League during WWII while stationed in Baton Rouge as a pharmacist's mate.  He told me stories of how he wore out the toe of his shoe from dragging his foot in his pitching routine.   I loved how excited he would get when we would watch or listen to baseball - the San Francisco Giants or the Oakland A's.  He would tell me stories of how much he had loved playing. I still think of him every time I watch a game. One of my cherished items is one of his very own team balls from that time in the Navy.  My mom gave it to me when she was downsizing to move to assisted living. She was about to throw it away, but I was thrilled to have it.  This ball sits in my living room in a case where I see it every day. The signature so familiar of V.L. Koplin - from his days in the Navy league.  

So many things that I love because of Dad: putting up Christmas lights 'just so' every year. Making his own recipe of clam dip and enjoying it with my sister (we sometimes share) as we play cards. Making huge kettles of his special spaghetti sauce and pots of chili beans - simmering all day on the stove and tasting at night before we ladled them into containers for freezing.  These two recipes are still my favorites at the first hint of chill in the fall. Special meals on birthdays - when I got to be "queen for a day", though he really made me feel like that every day.  

36 years without my Dad - 36 years of missing him, but never forgotten.  36 Father's Days where he's been with his Heavenly Father instead of with me.  

So many tributes today - and from me prayers for those, like me, who lost their dads too soon.  And also for those that don't have great memories like I do.  God bless each of you as only He can do.

Playing Dress up

Having little girls around the house on a daily basis can be quite interesting.  Caring for my grand daughters this summer is reminding me just how messy, loud and busy small children are!  I am also realizing that children still love to play dress up. We have a large box that is filled with my daughter's old dance recital costumes, scarves, purses and more.  The little girls love to wear those flowing dresses and sparkly items while pretending they are princesses or fairies.  I keep the electronics turned off and it is amazing the imaginative scenarios that are played out in my living room.  I do realized that some of the things they see and hear creep into their play, so that just makes me want to shield them from things even more.  But aren't we all influenced by that?  The things we read, watch and listen to influence us and sway our behaviors.  

Another thing that the little girls constantly get into and play with are my shoes! They take on totally different characters just by wearing different shoes.  But don't we all do the same thing?  I know I walk differently, stand differently and look different depending on what shoes I wear. I wish you could have seen the sassiness on their faces when I snapped this photo!

Though I often worry they will fall down, twist their ankles or worse, I realize that I need to let them take risks sometimes. They need to explore, learn what is dangerous and how to protect themselves while still stepping out and trying new things.  Wearing my shoes brings out new imaginative play and it can be fun to watch.

What is it about dressing up in costumes that attracts us?  I still love to do that too - and for several years my sister and I belonged to a fun camping group of women where a large part of those camping trips was dressing up.  To shed the burdens of day to day life and put on a petticoat or a silly outfit was freeing.  Large groups of women just being little girls again, leaving the cares of life and the worries of home behind.  Just like my grand daughters, the desire was to pretend and imagine I was someone else.  Can you imagine dressing up like a 'floozy' and actually going out in public?!  It was fun!  Some of the women just couldn't imagine walking into a store dressed in  costumes, but when my sister and I did we knew that no one knew us, and to see the smiles we put on faces was priceless.  We even had an entire swim team of teens ask to take their picture with us!  (I imagine they went home and told their parents "you should have seen these two crazy women, they were dressed up in Bucees - it was nuts!")  No, I don't desire to be a floozy, but it was fun to pretend. For just a few hours to be carefree, talk in an accent and laugh.  I think what I enjoyed most about that night was hearing other people laugh and seeing them smile because Judy and I were so out of character, and it was truly about bringing out some joy in others through our silliness.

My favorite dress up trip of all was the Hippy Happening - because it was an awakening for me.  Yes, we were silly in our costumes and all 100 or so women enjoyed pretending we were hippies for a weekend, but what it sparked in me was to be real.  I was in a deep depression that spring - and as we played at the stereotype dress and behavior of hippies I knew I needed to be me.  I had to quit playing 'dress up' in my day to day life and just be who God created me to be, not who I thought other people wanted me to be.  When I watch my grand daughters dress up as princesses or wearing my shoes, what I see come out in them is personality.  They exhibit leadership in their play as they fall into natural roles of teacher and student, or mom and baby.  I find that their desires come out in their play.   Putting on tie dye clothes, funky jewelry and headbands was far out of style for my sister, but for me it was pure pleasure and comfort.  I have since embraced being me and it feels good. That weekend a couple of years ago started the process.

As I get ready to spend another day with my grand daughters I will encourage them to play dress up.  To try on different shoes and learn who they are and dream about what they could become.  Perhaps if I had played a little more dress up in my youth, and explored the possibilities for my life it wouldn't have taken well into my 50's to discover and accept who I am.  Play a little dress up - it is never too late and you never know what you might learn about yourself.

All set!

I don't eat jelly.  I like to make it, but I don't eat it!  I'm really not much of a sweet eater when it comes to certain things, like my peanut butter sandwiches for example.  I grew up making my sandwiches with butter.  I assume that was because both of my parents, having grown up in the depression era, lived the farm life and butter was readily available.  I know we had mayonnaise (never Miracle Whip!) and mustard in our home but it never made its way onto my sandwiches.  I still prefer to eat my peanut butter with butter! 

My husband is a jelly, jam and preserves lover.  Since I like the process of canning I do make these things for him but it can be difficult since I don't eat them, so I rely on him to tell me if the finished product is good.  I made a batch of strawberry jam last season and for some reason it never set.  I did eat it as a sauce over ice cream, but as a jam it just wasn't quite right. This year it was blackberry jelly.  There is something about this entire process that is pleasing to me: gathering the berries at a local orchard, while visiting and laughing with my sister.  There was also a sense of urgency, at times, because our husbands were waiting for us.  We knew they were probably ready to get back to the air conditioned living room and watch some golf on TV.  Judy  and I don't get to spend much time together, so we mostly just went on and enjoyed the picking.

Having that wonderful box of berries I had many thoughts running through my head "Should I make a cobbler? Eat them fresh? Or make something preserved?" While jam would be easier I opted for jelly since the seeds in blackberries can be bothersome.   The entire process, from picking to washing, boiling and straining out the juice, then boiling again with the sugar added, to filling the jars and boiling yet again in the water bath are all important. Each step in the canning process serves a purpose, and in order to get that perfect set in the jelly those steps need to be followed.  The ratio of juice, to sugar, and a touch of lemon juice for balance are all important.  Then there is the pectin!   I learned early on that different fresh fruits have varying amounts of natural pectin in them so that ingredient also needs to be adjusted.  My strawberry jam last year never set properly, either the sugar to pectin ratio was off or the processing time, I'm not really sure.  

I do a lot of thinking when I'm cooking, baking or canning.  There are many things I make that I never eat, yet I enjoy the process so much and the satisfaction when others enjoy the finished product.  It gives me joy to know that something I labored over makes someone else happy.  It can be hard though to not taste and know if the finished product is actually good.  I do all of the preparation, I pay close attention to doing things right but sometimes it just doesn't go as planned, like with my strawberry jam last year.  I could give up, but I love the process so much and it is important to me to do for others that I keep on making and giving.

It is the same for me in sharing my faith.  All of the ingredients came together for me a very long time ago.  My life looks very different than yours, and I enjoy things in a different way than you do - you may prefer mayo rather than butter, or *gasp* Miracle Whip!  You may pray silently where I might stand in an open field and shout to God.  I might raise my hands and stand up while praising in church and you may sit quietly and take it all in.  While there are certain elements of the Christian life that I believe are essential, it all comes together and 'sets' for each of us in a different way.  I will continue to perfect my recipe for life, and I will continue to serve the joy in a way you like, even if it is different than mine.  We each have a different piece in God's plan and I love how we all fit together.  And I'm glad my jelly set this year, even though I will never eat it!

PS "Wow, you got the texture, firmness of the jelly perfect this time. When you can put it on your spoon and hold it and it doesn't fall off, that is a good sign!"  Waylon

Untie that knot!

I'm a mountain girl at heart, but I do have a love/hate relationship with water. A favorite devotional book that I read every year has an entry on June 8 that speaks loudly to me. I have notes written in the margin and I often read that page a few times during the year. Here is an excerpt:

Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm  to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything  in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide  of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus , you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself. - begin to have spiritual discernment.    My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers.

I am a perpetual student.  Though I would love to be in a school setting constantly that isn't practical.  I do, however, read and study things daily.  It isn't enough to just learn.  When I read that passage yesterday the line "if you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the the dock, God will use a storm to sever them and send you out to sea" really jumped at me. It seems lately that I have been keeping myself tied to the dock - tightening that knot and holding on.  The storm has been raging though and I don't feel like I'm in that safe harbor full of joy!  I wonder now how long it will be until God sends me totally out to sea?  Some days I ponder life and think about what I expected when I was young.  Now in the last year of my 50's nothing is as I expected.  I know we aren't the only family that has difficulty.  Worries about money, thinking about our world and how out of control things seem.  The world of social media magnifies all of it.  We can present ourselves just how we want others to see us: pictures of happy times and smiling faces give the impression that all is perfect. Likewise, comments and memes of depression or despair throw us into panic when the next moment the person is again posting a joke or funny picture.  We really have no way of knowing - we are held by perception and what others want us to see. The storm rages.  Some would say "just turn off the media".  That isn't an option for me because 90% of my job relies on my social media connections.

Just like the weather, that can change at any moment from calm and peaceful to a raging thunderstorm with dangerous lightning, life lived untied is risky.  To loosen the knot that holds us to the safety of the dock can be a hard thing to do.  The older I get, the more I want to live 'untied'.  I desire more trust in God to see what marvels He reveals to me.  To be free from burdens and restrictions that I place on myself, and drift on the water....... even if it is sometimes rough and turbulent.  I seem to be in a raging storm right now - but still tied to the dock.  Banging up against the hard surface, it batters me, bruises me and breaks me apart. If I would just loosen the knot.........  

I just passed the one year anniversary of the quest to simplify our lives.  A lot of progress has been made and now as I ponder living life 'untied' I desire to simplify even more.  Today I'm loosening that knot that holds me to the dock.  Though it appears that I am more tied down than ever, with full time care of 2 young children for the summer and still running my business, I will do it with abandon.  I will find ways to explore the unknown through the eyes of those children.  We will learn things, do things and if sometimes the storm seems too strong we will hold on to each other and push through.  But I would much rather have them see me take risks and trust God than restrict all of us to just a limited view of the harbor.  Oh, and maybe we will also climb some tall mountains and enjoy that view as well- rock slides and all!