What breaks your heart?

A couple of months ago I attended a leadership retreat for a ministry job that I was participating in.  During that retreat we had one session on a small portion of Scripture that really spoke to me.  Since that time I have pondered and pondered it and a few weeks ago I knew, without doubt, that I would choose that book for my Lenten focus.  It is quite unusual as a study for this season of preparation, reflection, repentance and journeying with Jesus. I have always shared that I write this blog space for myself and if anyone else reads it I just pray that there is a nugget  that speaks to the heart.  So let's go on a journey these next few weeks as we travel the road to the Cross, and I hope my musings and reflection spark something in you as well.

Have you ever been so troubled by something, some circumstance or situation, that when you hear about it you just weep?  I'm not talking just personal and family issues, but large things that seem so impossible to make right that the overwhelm just stops you in your tracks. Now I will NOT venture into politics or other social issues of our day as those very things cause me to stop and weep, I'm thinking more on a personal level.  I know what things loom in front of me, or a better description would be what seem to be crumbling before me and how impossible it seems to fix them.  Come on a journey with me to the world of Nehemiah.  Most of this book is written in the first person and there is  some question as to whether it is written in part by Ezra. Nehemiah was a cupbearer to King Artaxerxes.   

Nehemiah 1:1-4  These are the memoirs of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah.  It was late autumn in the month of Kislev, in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes' reign. I was at the fortress of Susa. Hanani, one of my brothers, came to visit me with some other men who had just arrived from Judah.  I asked them about the Jews who had returned there from captivity and about how things were going in Jerusalem.  They said to me, "Things are not going so well for those who returned to the province of Judah.  They are in great trouble and disgrace.  The wall of Jerusalem has been torn down, and the gates have been destroyed by fire."  When I heard this, I sat down and wept.  In fact, for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven.   NLT

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need a good cry!  I even wrote a bit about crying the other day.  Nehemiah had a heart for the city, and the people.  His first reaction was weeping.  Look at what else he did - fasted, prayed and turned to God.  Those are common disciplines for Lent.  As I sat in Ash Wednesday worship yesterday those very things were talked about and encouraged for the next 40 days.  They certainly will be part of my practices, but this year I'm intentionally thinking big.  I'm looking at a life situation that seems impossible, insurmountable and so out of the question to be fixed that it just makes me weep, and I'm turning to God.

Your challenge today is to do what Nehemiah did- ask the question.  "How are things going?"  Take a good look deep inside at the big mountains you are facing and ask "how is it going? What is the condition I'm in, and what is the biggest thing that needs repair?"  

Prayer and focus for today:  Lord help me take the blinders off.  Reveal to me the real issue(s) that are facing me.  Help me not to ignore them but to weep for the situation, then pray and turn to You.  Today may my heart be opened to the pain, so that I can hold it, look at it and acknowledge it.  Help me see and then call me to You for help.  In Jesus' name I pray.

Clutter

Almost 2 years ago I started on the quest to declutter and simplify our home.  I have no intention of going full minimalist, but I was bogged down in clutter, no organization and frustration.  I wrote about a lot of that here in this blog space.  I have not undone all of the progress I made, however I did kind of stall.  I expected to be pretty much done with this project long ago! Life tends to have twists and turns that take me down paths that I don't intend.

I had to take a break from my online work today because of sheer frustration.  I could feel my stress level going up so I switched gears.  I decided to tackle the ironing basket, or I should say 2 baskets! As I worked through those items of clothing I realized that the entire bottom of one was all summer clothes that I just didn't iron or put away at the end of the season.  As I looked at each piece I started a donate/discard pile.  Then I put clothes away in my overloaded closet and the frustration started to rise..... again!  I went back and looked at some of the tips from sites that I had bookmarked when I started the decluttering process. I proceeded to spend about an hour in my very small and overcrowded closet.  I now have a pile of 50 items of clothing that are not going back in.  Everything from dresses that I have not worn in many years, to slacks that don't fit, to items that I really don't like so I never wear.  Even removing that many items of clothing I still have way too many clothes.  I look at what is there and realize that the statistic is true for me: I wear only 20% of my clothes 80% of the time.  Slowly I will pare that down even more, and will only truly have clothes I love and wear regularly.  

I thought this was a fitting activity as we get ready to enter the season of Lent. I plan to write a series again this year, but I'm going to do something much different.  The first installment will be posted on Thursday morning.  I plan to attend worship tomorrow on Ash Wednesday and then do some deep reflecting on all areas of my life before starting the writing. I have the 'bones' in place, just need to flesh it out.  

I have had many shakeups over the last 6 weeks.  Some are still evolving and I don't quite know what final shape they will take.  Today as I did a purge on my closet I started to feel that hint of freedom that I'm seeking.  I have a vision of where I want to be, but it is still somewhat out of focus.  I need to do more shaking and rearranging!  Are you ready?

Crrryyyyinggggg..... over you (Channeling Roy Orbison)

I'm going to show my age here, how many of you know Roy Orbison?  His song "Crying" is running rampant in my head!  I'm going to have to play some upbeat music today to replace it.  As I was wondering what started this haunting lyric to get stuck here in my gray matter I know exactly what started it.  My hubby and I have been working through our recorded shows on the DVR the last couple of evenings and two of my favorite shows (This Is Us and Nashville) both had major characters die.  Why do I get so attached to fictional characters? I know you are thinking it, you do it too!  The writers of these shows are doing a great job because they get us to feel.  There is so much anger, division, disagreement and hatred in our world right now (always is actually, we just see it more because of social media) that when I turn on these shows it is a way to experience love, connection and faith in relationships.  

What makes you cry?  Perhaps you are so hardened that you don't.  I don't like to cry, it isn't pretty!  Yet it can literally be so cleansing.  To get in touch with feelings that get pushed down so far, to let them bubble up, pool in the corners of our eyes and then spill down our cheeks...... just let it flow.   Sometimes I hold in feelings from my personal life so tightly that when I watch a television show, listen to a song, or read a touching story the emotions just can't be held in any longer.  

I would be worried if I didn't cry.  I'm glad that these stories touch my heart.  So many people are so hardened that the feels don't get through any more.  I wonder how I can help them. How can I reach that hurting place in a heart that allows them to give in to the pain, the hurt and the disappointment?  Listen.  Watch for small signs of reaching out.   It is so easy to get bogged down in the daily disappointments, to feel like there is no hope that you will be successful, get out of debt, fall in love, or just have a pain free day.  Start noticing those around you, or look deeply in the mirror.  Maybe you just need a good cry!

A good friend of mine, a dear lady that I met in one of my camping groups, is battling a terminal illness.  I haven't seen her in awhile, but I follow her days on social media.  She is living!  She has been given a death sentence (we all have one, hers is just more imminent) and yet she is experiencing all of the feels each day.  She still goes camping, allowing others to help her and care for her when she was one of the most independent and strong women in the group.  What must that take to allow others to love and care for her? She notices small gifts in each day, shouldn't we all?

This jumbled entry today is really about feeling.  I hope you go about your day today and FEEL what you encounter.  If some tears sneak down your cheeks, let them wash you clean.  Look a little closer at those around you and be ready to listen, or maybe you are the one that needs a listening ear........... find one.

Psalms 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  NLT

There is One who feels your tears.

Funnels, Pipelines and Leads - oh my!

Does your job have a 'lingo'?  As I think back on my many jobs over the years they all have unique words and phrases that often held different meanings than what other people would understand. As a very young woman when I worked in an escrow office there were terms and phrases in relation to legal documents and title searches.  My time in the military had its own lingo:  we had to be aware of FOD, I knew I got off work at 1900 hrs and I was identified by rank.  My husband works as a chaplain in a hospital and the medical world has an entire lingo that is foreign to most of us with their 'stat' 'prn' 'GCS' -(unless you watch Chicago Med or Code Black and learn what all the trauma terminology is)!   

Truth be told I think all professions, and businesses, have short cut terms that are only familiar to those on the inside.  Even families (at least ours does) have special terms and phrases that mean nothing to others.  For the last few years I have worked in online business, marketing a specific product line. That company has many terms that are unique to them.  When most people hear those terms they wonder what in the heck is she talking about!  Yet others in the company or customers know exactly what I'm referring to.  

Communication is important.  When I want to be fully understood I need to speak and act in ways that are not foreign to the person I'm communicating with. When I think back to my many years of working in churches the lingo was often more damaging than helpful.  When our purpose was to extend God's love and saving grace to others we often used this secret language that could be so foreign. "You must be born again, accept the Holy Spirit and function in agape love". What?!  When I simply communicate with people, talk to them, sit with them and 'be' with them we can communicate with each other.  I know I have been so misunderstood many times in my 59 years, people think they know what I'm thinking or feeling simply by my body language or actions.  In actuality they are usually totally wrong. We rely on forms of communication that aren't always accurate.  We use lingo (a dialect or language) that is foreign to those we are trying to communicate with.    I am saying "we" - when I mean ""I". Maybe those of you reading don't ever fall in to this trap.  Today I am so aware of lingo and relaying information in such a way as to be understood.  It is a constant struggle and needs close examination.  

When I am in my kitchen I use funnels for canning, or moving liquids from a large container to a smaller one.  In my day to day work funnels have a completely different meaning.  If I tell most people that I am working with funnels today their first thought is probably to something in the kitchen.  Assumptions are made and opinions formed.  Communication.

Actually funnels hold a completely different meaning and purpose for me in my work.  They are important and a great tool.  Think about what you will do today.  Will you be understood when you communicate? Will there be misunderstandings because of the lingo you use? I seek to be understood.  I want you to be understood as well.  No matter what your day looks like, think about the language you use, the posture that you present and always seek to understand those around you in order to be understood. 

In my spiritual life, my business life and my personal life - my biggest goal is always to be understood.   Will you be understood today?  

As always I love to share my work with you, that is how it goes!  I share, I relay information and I  seek to add value to your life.  Each of you adds value to mine.

Stop Carrying Buckets

May your day be blessed and your life be full!

Do you hear it?

When I look back over the last few weeks of my journal entries and also back at my last blog post it is not only my vision that has been blurred.  There have been hours spent thinking back on paths and past decisions and how my decisions were made. Have you ever prayed so fervently for something but as things unfolded you questioned whether your prayers were heard? When I sat and dug deep into my memories and journal entries there were so many times that I was certain that either my prayers had gone unanswered or I simply hadn't prayed hard enough. In the looking back I realize that God indeed answers, and though it may not look like I wanted there is good in each thing.   

For many months I have questioned the path that I am on.  I have written in this space before that I truly love the work that I do.  I love the freedom of it and the way that I can design my days, and when I do the work I can provide for us.  Inside there has been this conflict.  Nearly 2 years ago I started a quest for simplification - a decluttering.  While great progress was made, it just came to a standstill.  Tied up in all of that was my work, a business that is fun, pretty and a frivolous line of products.  I still love that line of products, immensely. What was eating away at me was "how can I ask people to buy things, spend money on items that are not  necessities?  I'm working so hard to make our life and home about necessities, yet I'm selling a luxury item".  Then I would justify it, telling myself that people are going to spend the money anyway, I might as well provide for us by selling what they want.

During the Christmas season we had a wonderful time with family, focusing on the meaning and reason we were celebrating.  We were also navigating through the weeks of recovery as my husband healed from some major surgeries.  It was even more evident to me during that time that we need to protect our health, our home, our basic needs.  Jumbled up in all of that I also started a new ministry job.  So much piling on!  The ministry job is a calling , a place to use the gifts that I have to help others. It came at a time that we needed the income and I knew that it was an answer to prayer.  As usual for me, in my life journey and ministry calling, when I follow that call it is with great blessing.  Then money runs out.  So do I continue to do the thing that God has called me to do, or am I only doing it for the money? So many hard things  to think about all at once.

Then another deep and pleading prayer: God, show me the direction You would have me go! Guide me to first be serving You, and second to provide and be a good steward. Help me make good decisions, right decisions and faith-filled decisions.

I prayed that prayer every day for what seemed like weeks. I poured out my words in my journal. I would continue to do my business with integrity and all of my energy.  I worked at the ministry position while not seeing any fruit come from the labor (yet).   January 9, a Monday, a change happened.  I had an event planned that I had sent personal invitations to, I had advertised, I had worked hard to set up.  Not one response.  I was trying to mentor my team and felt like I was talking to empty space.  I was questioning, I was doubting.  I crossed paths with a couple and the offer they quietly presented was shouting to something deep inside of me - could this be God's way of answering the prayers that I had prayed for so long?  I was not looking, I was not wanting to change, yet I knew that in some way I needed to.  A still small voice was whispering "you prayed, I answered".  

Change is hard!  I still don't have a clear picture of how everything will unfold.  My life (and calendar) are now fuller than ever.  When I look at my color-coded planner I see a pattern emerging. What at first glance looks like a random mish-mash of chaos, I slowly see as a beautiful future unfolding.  I see hope and promise that the voice I heard is the right one. I see myself moving in a direction to help people, both in the ministry calling and in the new business direction. Everything is starting to align in my quest to be a good steward and to help people in their journey as well.   I'm starting to feel good about decisions that I am making.

It's been a long road of searching, working, helping and striving to simplify my life.  I'm not there yet!  I'm making small changes, but each day it seems I'm to make big ones. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I'm on the right path and following the right voice. There is still so much unknown and new paths to discover, but one day at a time I'm listening for The Voice.

Isaiah 30:19-26 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, "This is the way you should go", whether to the right or to the left. Then you will destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, "Good riddance!"  Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock. The oxen and donkeys that till the ground will eat good grain, its chaff blown away by the wind. In that day, your enemies are slaughtered and the towers fall, there will be streams of water flowing down every mountain and hill.  The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter - like the light of seven days in one!  So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them.  NLT

Blurred Vision

January is goal and vision setting time for many people.  I have mentioned before that I tend to set goals all throughout the year - it's just how I operate!  Weekly goals, monthly goals sometimes I even break it down into daily/hourly.  I also am very familiar with the blurring that begins fairly quickly.  Here we are on day 17 of this year and I'll bet someone reading this blog has already given up on a resolution or intention that you were ultra enthused about just a couple of weeks ago. It's like looking down this fence - what was very clear just a few weeks ago, when it was right in front of you, now looks distorted and unclear. Does the fence just end? Does it take a turn, is it broken?  So many unknowns because it is blurred.

I approached my vision a little differently this year. I still set out long term goals for myself, but I also was very intentional about some other things  Being a person of faith prayer is essential for me.  In my prayers I started getting very specific. Not in a wish list sort of way, but in  surrender (my word for the year).  To acknowledge that there is a larger force at work than just me and my efforts has been extremely freeing.  By grasping that spirit of surrender it has freed me to go after what I want and need in order to accomplish my goals.  I've already had to adjust some things, but that goes along with goal setting.  Evaluating, assessing and adjusting. 

When I look further out in the year the vision is still a bit blurred.  I can see the fence, but I can't tell exactly what its condition is way far out.  As I walk along the fence close to me I see whether the boards are sturdy, if there are weak spots or parts needing repair.  Rather than just walk on by, I address those things as I encounter them.  As I walk along I can see a little bit ahead as things come in to focus.  Not too far along there is a gate - so I have to decide whether to walk through that gate and discover what is on the other side of the fence or do I keep walking?  Perhaps I will discover it is only a perimeter fence and I can't get to where I really want to go unless I do go through that gate.  Or perhaps the fence ends - and the gate is the only way to go forward.  Unless we keep walking, keep evaluating and make needed repairs along the way our vision will stay blurred.  We have to be aware of all the details around us instead of just blindly walking along and letting the 'blur' overtake us.

Whether in spiritual decisions, business decisions or simply personal ones set a vision for yourself.  Focus on what is in front of you and deal with each thing as it comes - still looking far ahead, but keeping your eyes fixed firmly on what is in focus.  Clarity and purpose in all you do!

1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.  NLT

My Switch-master

None of us can avoid the new year bombardment of change.  It seems like everywhere we look there is notice of eating healthier, getting fit, being organized and setting goals. I have not been  a resolution setter for many years, I set and work on goals throughout the year.  In my training as a life coach a few years ago goal setting, and the importance of doing so, became second nature to me. January is no different than any other month, other than I also look back at my yearly goals, evaluate and set some long term goals as well as my normal monthly ones.

At first glance my planner and goal journal this year seems particularly daunting.  I'm working a direct sales job that has enormous potential financially if I just get all of the pieces to fit together.  I have a ministry job that is more of a calling and a passion but the financial benefit may completely go away before we even get started.  I have an education path that excites me, and can completely enrich all other areas of my life. We have family situations that need much care (finances, health, time management) and all of them need to fit together in some way.   

My focus word this year is SURRENDER.  Often the first image of surrender is waving that white flag and giving up to a dominant force. It brings up the idea of defeat. I'm trying my best to push that image out of my mind, because it brings me down.  I want to focus on success.  To surrender to a force bigger than myself. All of the things I mentioned above seem totally unrelated.  A direct sales business for a beauty product but the main focus is empowering women in ways they can't imagine, a ministry job that helps people to get a hand up in life and a spiritual strength like none other, a Master's program as I approach age 60 and a family as diverse in needs as can be - how in the world does all of that come together in a cohesive manner?  

The only way is something like a railroad.  When you see a switch-yard it looks like a jumbled mess or a wreck waiting to happen.  In reality it is an engineering masterpiece that requires precision, timing, guidance and faith. The tracks all need to be laid out in a precise pattern to enable the trains to get from one place to another. The timing of those trains must be coordinated in order for them all to reach their destinations without mishap.  The engineers of the trains, as well as the passengers or even those at crossroads waiting for the train to pass all have faith that the system is operating as it should.

When I look at the road map for my year it looks like a major train wreck!  How in the world will all of this come together?  I have to place my trust in the Switch-master that guides me and surrender to His plan.  It still requires that I make decisions, just like the engineer of the train has checkpoints and duties he has to perform in order for the train to operate as it should.  Can my plans be derailed? Of course! But the rails can be repaired and I can get back on track and rely on the Switch-master to smooth things out for me.

It would be easy to just take the straight line and not worry about all of the intersections I have in front of me.  I choose to rely on those 'switches' so I can travel each different course and see how they intersect to make my journey an exciting and full one.  The switches can be scary and sometimes dangerous - perhaps some of the paths will be dead ends and I need to turn around.  I will only find that out by traveling and depending on the Switch-master to guide me. There may be things to see and learn in the dead ends too.

Proverbs 16:9 We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.